On the eve of my 28th birthday I'm sitting in my car, parked in the Trader Joe's parking lot, listening to Christmas music. I'm sitting here realizing that this is the first year that I'm beginning to notice signs of life/age making it's permanent settlement on my skin.
Yes, I realize that twenty-eight is young, and those much older than me say "OHHHhhh to be twenty-eight again" with a weird sense of regret, or a secret that I haven't been let in on yet. Or a tone of "you're twenty-eight you know nothing yet" -which is always more than mildly annoying because you can't really ever judge somebody's life by the chapter you've walked in on... regardless of age. Anyway, I digress. I'm sitting here in my car, noticing the lines that appear on my forehead, around my eyes (mostly from smiles) and the fine lines that appear from each side of my nose tracing down to the corners of my lips. But, I'm going to let you in on a little secret. Despite these lines that are appearing, I've never really felt my age, or understood how I "should" feel at each age.
So, on the eve of my twenty-eighth birthday I find myself reflecting on the way I remember feeling on my other birthdays, and how I should have felt at each age during the course of each year. (more or less the things I "should have" accomplished at each milestone of my life so far by certain standards). I also find myself taking desperate and unexpected gasps of air as I fully accept and absorb the full weight of the events that have taken place in my twenties so far, as well as my reactions to each. A part of me is energized and wants to congratulate myself and say "My God! You did it. You're still here! You've made it!" and the other part of me, be it a very small part, wants to sob, dig my blankie and pookie bear out of my cedar chest and eat butter.
I've never been one to master the whole "inner-peace" thing, or the art of being still to fully absorb a moment (hence the yoga practice... I'm workin' on it) My mind is always going a million miles an hour - from the second I wake up, to the moment I pass out. However, this year, this birfday eve, I'm cognizant of this year feeling a little bit different than all other birthday's I've known. I'm realizing that my life is not at all how I had pictured it to be at twenty-five, or at twenty, and certainly not at fifteen. More difficult yet, is realizing that my life is likely not the life my parents had dreamt I might have had when they looked at me on my first birthday, my fifth birthday, my fifteenth birthday or even my twenty-second birthday. I don't believe this to be a bad thing... just different.
I also recognize a feeling that I've never known on any other birthday. It's a feeling of complete wholeness and contentment. Certainly not complacent... but content.
I've always had family around me on my birthday ( and everyday) however, there were years that I didn't feel like I was home. This year, I have my tiny tribe of gentlemen (Rich, RW & Maxmax), my parents, my brother, Sarah, and baby Sam, my aunt, grannie, and a group of friends that inspire, find humor in everything, and fuel creativity. I have no negativity surrounding me. Only Love. This is the first year I can say that. That, my friends, is a bigger wish than anybody could dream up as they get ready to blow out their candles.
I'm spending this birthday eve with only Blaise Cat, so I can prepare mentally and physically for twenty-eight... this preparation includes me getting out of my car, getting a bottle of wine, a handful of frozen tamales, going home and binge watching a couple episodes of Friends- as a twenty-eight year old does best.
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